I remember when I couldn’t wait to be an adult. I would make the rules; eat when I want (& what I wanted), dress how I choose, come and go as I pleased and basically do exactly what I wanted to do all of the time. And while my twenties did sort of live up to this expectation in many ways, once my first child turned two the tide turned. And in a big way!

As any mum of a toddler knows, you’re not really in charge of anything anymore. They are. And although I bravely fought this reality, I finally had no choice but to give in to the demands of my new boss.

1. My sleep schedule.

It’s a lot easier to control sleeping when it comes to babies and a crib. They can’t just get out and walk around, however, when little ones move into a big kid bed it’s a whole different story. When toddlers wake, so do mums. When they refuse to nap, mums don’t rest either. And bedtime. When our sweet growing toddlers decide they will not go to sleep, well they don’t. I’ve spent hours going back and forth at bedtime; reading just one more story, singing one more song, tucking in and turning the lights off only to see their smiling faces looking at me as I exhaustedly settle down on the sofa. No mum, it’s not your time yet.

2. My entertainment guide.

Gone are the days of cuddling up on a cold, dreary day and watching a scary movie or a romantic one to help me dream away the day. Now my toddler makes those decisions. With a little one around, there are a lot of television shows, movies and even songs that become taboo. I’m not really sure how many more times I can watch Frozen but what choice do I have.

3. What’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

My mum served dinner and we ate. It didn’t matter if I didn’t like it or God forbid wasn’t in the ‘mood’ for it, I ate. I’m not so strong or maybe my tolerance for crying isn’t as good as my parent’s was. Toddlers have words and have discovered how to use them – often to get their way. This couldn’t be truer than at meal time. If I serve cereal, they’ll inevitably want oatmeal. PB and J for lunch, um no, not today mum. Sometimes even if I ask what they want once I serve it they’ve changed their mind.

4. Friend time.

Mums often yearn for time to chat with other mums or hang out with old friends. These opportunities can be rare but when they occur my toddler decides just how long they’ll last. It could be ten minutes or two hours but when a toddler decides they’ve had enough well…..it’s time to go. I’ve waited hours for them to settle to have a quick chat on the telephone but as soon as I pick up the phone all hell breaks loose and I’m hanging up. Oh well!

5. Even my Pitbull knows who’s boss.

Yes, from my supposedly dominant dog to my sweet cat, my toddler will pull tails, fold ears back and even put make-up on our pets. In fact, I came home from the market to find our dog dressed up as Elmo for Halloween, his face painted red and wearing my husband’s red T-shirt. The pets don’t even try to fight it.

6. And last but not least…..

What makes this all possible is that my toddler, just like so many other toddlers, is completely and utterly fearless. Threats, coercions, bribes – none of it means a thing. They just continue on as my little tyrant ruling the house until…..well I don’t know until when, but I’ll keep you posted.

Kids are great aren’t they? They give you endless amounts of joy and you often sit and wonder what your life would be without them. That’s on a good day, and I say ‘a’ because the days they are a blessing are singular, and happen maybe once, max twice a week, and it’s usually when they’re asleep. The truth is kids can be real jerks, in nappies, when they’re actually happy to wear them and not pee on your furniture or on the pet cat. As an aside, I now know why cats roam, for months on end.

Nowadays you hear about ‘first world problems’, problems that in the greater scheme of things are actually insignificant, like ‘argh, just received my brand new Land Rover and the sales person spelt my name wrong’, or ‘my three iPhones’ battery life sucks so bad I have to use one of my five smart phones during the day’.

Recently I saw on a friend’s Facebook status that she was ‘so over this jetlag’ since arriving home from their long overseas holiday. I responded with ‘First world problems. Must be nice to have them!’ My now unfriended friend responded rather curtly that she found my comment to be rude and inappropriate because jetlag is a very real problem and not pleasant at all.

In my opinion the only thing worse than an adult with first world problems is a toddler with 101 of them; how on earth does someone that has their butt wiped for them have any problems?

My toddlers’ first world problems

1. The battery died on the iPad and she couldn’t beat her highest score

2. Every time she asks to go to the toilet on a journey the DVD player in the car stops and the movie starts from the beginning

3. That the sushi he had for lunch didn’t have enough avocado, which he specifically asked the ‘man with the white hat’ to not put in

4. That we couldn’t pause a real-life game and rewind it to the ‘funnest’ bit

5. That we refused to forcibly pull out teeth so the tooth fairy could bring him €5

6. After asking, no insisting, that we take a photo of him he doesn’t want to be ‘stuck’ in my mobile phone

7. That we’re not divorced and she can’t have two houses, two bedrooms and two swimming pools

8. That he can’t climb into the TV and be on Blaze and the Monster Machines

9. I won’t let him really drive my car. He’s three!

10. I won’t allow her to brush the dog’s fringe with my toothbrush

11. I won’t allow him to cut my hair with real scissors, not play-play ones

12. The ratio of her green to white Oatees is wrong

13. When I pick him up from bed by his arms and not his feet and don’t carry him upside down to the living room, to avoid narrowly missing his head on the cement step and cracking it open

14. That he can’t bath with clothes on and can’t go naked to the restaurant

What keeps your toddler up all night?

Trust me on this. The experience of parenting, whether you are going to have a son or a girl, is going to be beautiful. Don’t let others scare you, demotivate you or just tell you otherwise. You are going to be a great parent for your child. But, there are some important things a parent of a boy or a girl simply must do. Those might be hard, funny at times, but, at the end of the day, crucial for the creation of their personality. As a parent-to-be of a girl, these are the points I promise myself to take care of.

1.      Choose Their Name Wisely.

As funny as it sounds, it’s much more difficult to choose a name for a girl than a boy. Firstly, everyone knows someone of that name who they don’t like, have dated, believe is of bad morals etc. I tell you to ignore them as much as you can. Her name should be something YOU believe is worthy of her. Something both strong and tender.

2.      Be Careful of What Goes On In Their Minds.

Girls tend to be more quiet and reserved. They won’t express their energy physically as much as boys. So, beware of what goes on in their heads. You know, you’re a woman. We play mind games, far more complex that a simple sports battle or a playground fight between boys.

3.      Teach Them Proper Hygiene.

Equally important for both boys and girls, but boys tend to be ‘’carriers’’ of certain diseases far more often than girls. You must have the continuous talk, from early childhood to teenage years, of sitting down on a stranger’s toilet seat, washing the hands, changing the pads, peeing after an intercourse… Don’t ever be afraid to raise topics that are uncomfortable for you.

4.      Make It Easy For Them To Reach Out To You.

This is one of the most important points. She must know that she can come to you with any problem she has, otherwise she will go for advice to her friends or whoever, who might do her more damage than anything. Drugs, teenage pregnancies, bad grades, smoking… she has to know she can talk to you about that sort of things. And you should be there to help her get out of trouble if she needs you to, not criticize or punish her.

5.      Show Them Choices.

What I mean by this is to tell her she can be anything she wants to be in life, and stand by that, no matter how disappointed you are with the choices you’ve made in yours. Sure, female pilots are rare, but she can try and become one!

6.      Make Them Independent.

Teach her where to find solutions to her problems. Tell her to always have back-up money to come back home when the night out turns out not exactly as she hoped it to be. Teach her to pay for her own drinks. Be a lady. Become who she wants to become.

7.      Point To The Right Role Models.

With all the media stars that became so for no other reason but sexual exposure, it is important to show your girl the right role models. Those can be women from the public life, or the ones you find in your surroundings, but the point is – they made their success happen all by themselves.

8.      Encourage Them to Speak Their Minds.

Unfortunately, as soon as they start school, people will try to shut them up. Be it because they’re too young, or they are girls, or whatever other reason… She needs to know that the only change she can make in the world is if she is not afraid to stand by what she believes in. Of course, all of this done in a polite and respectful manner.

9.      Help Them Find Their Purpose in Life.

Show them, guide them, but don’t force them into something you think is best for them. If they want to be truck drivers and that makes them happy, it will make you happy too. If they don’t want to have kids themselves, they don’t have to. Be there for them when they search for their path.

10.  Love Them No Matter What.

This goes to every mother of every child. No matter what, they are yours, and you are theirs. It is the closest bond that exists in the nature.

All in all, cherish her presence and love her for who she is

What text message do you send or receive most?

For me, it’s probably something like, “Running late, be there soon! Sorry xx”. A quick glance through my messages and I see the same old things pop up again and again… I have a friend I text to rant about whatever is annoying me, a friend I am always trying to arrange a coffee with but it never seems to happen (I’m busy, she is busy, last minute disasters keep happening), my Mum who gets a running commentary of what the kids are doing (interspersed with pleas for her babysitting services), then there are the ongoing shopping lists and messages about where the remote control is and what time football practice starts to my husband (with the odd romantic message and more than one “sorry for being a bitch this morning xx”).

Anyway, it all got me thinking, my son loves to send his dad texts with little emoticons or “I luf u” messages, but what about the newest addition to the family? What would our babies text?

The Not-So-Subtle Cry for Help Text

Do you have a friend who sends texts after a bad day that are impossible not to reply to? “Hi. Just had the worst day of my life, but anyway, how are you?” then you get drawn into the minutiae of their lives and spend half the night trying to analyse their love life? Imagine if babies had yet another way to demand our attention… mine would text “Starving. H8 porridge. Weird tummy pain, wish someone would pick me up but doubt it :’( ”

The Rescue-Me Text

There are some texts you can’t ignore. Like the text from a friend on a date who needs you to urgently ring her and call her away to an emergency. Yeah, I thought this only happened on TV too – until I got a text asking me to do precisely this. I called to say I needed her to come help me choose some socks and then listened while she tried to make out like I was requesting her assistance in some matter of life and death. Texting could be the ideal way to reach out to lovely nannies and doting grandads… and confirm their suspicions that Mum and Dad are just not doing things the way she would… “Hi Nanny, it’s Nanny’s Special Little Man here… Have you seen Mum or Dad? They’ve left me to Cry It Out. It’s been a while…”

The Passive-Aggressive Text

When a text makes it much easier to NOT say what you mean, while at the same time letting the person know exactly how you feel… I have to admit, I do occasionally (or regularly) allow myself a passive aggressive text – even thought I know it’s the fastest way to prolong an argument and make yourself look like a huffy child. The best example of a passive aggressive text is when you type a big long message and you get one letter in response, “K”. Now, I know my baby. She is absolutely partial to a huff (no idea where she gets it from) and I can just picture the texts…

Me: – So sorry I had to take that remote control off you earlier. It’s just you were hitting yourself on the head with it and it was hurting. Also, you were changing channels and we were trying to watch the news. Mummy xx

Baby: – k

Me: – I will get you your own little toy remote control that will light up and play nursery rhymes and you can play with it all the time! Xx

Baby: – k

Me: – love you snuggles xxxxxxxx

Baby: – k

The Text Fail

My friend put a lot of energy into writing a text describing just how annoying her father-in-law is, describing what exactly he had said that day to drive her mad and how much she wished he would emigrate (taking his yappy dog and boring wife with him, if you want specifics). She was thinking so intently about her father-in-law’s particular flavour of crazy that she fired off the text to his number instead of to me, the friend who appreciates the witty texts and knows she doesn’t really mean it. It’s enough to bring me out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. This could be disastrous if our babies could text…

Me: – What a day! Why did we ever think we should have children? What made us think we were equipped for this? I’m pretty sure the Health visitor wrote our names on a list today. I’m running away.

Baby: – MUMMY?

Me: – Sorry chicken, wrong number 

Baby: – k

Autocorrect Fails

Then there’s the autocorrect when your phone decides it knows what you want to say and you end up talking about how ship your day at work was. Or, like me, texting your husband to see how much money we have left and being completely baffled when he responds with “half a jar”.

Baby: – Oh Mummy, feel my happy!

Me: – Aw, I’m so glad you’re happy darling! xx

Baby: – *nappy

Me: – on my way L

The Excuse Text

It’s just so much easier to explain things (or make excuses) with a text message… especially when the recipient is likely to question your flimsy explanations. I am very guilty of this. Instead of just calling and saying Hi, look I’m sorry, I’m really bad at organising my life and I forgot about our coffee but if you give me an hour I will be there and buy lunch, I rush to get ready and before I even leave the house I text “be there in 10, running late, bloody traffic” and then arrive 20 minutes late and totally stressed. My baby couldn’t care less about making excuses for her behaviour but if she could… “Hey. Soz. Woke up early. Bloody birdsong, right? I know its 4.30 but any chance of a boob? Xx”

UPDATE – During the writing of this my 6-year-old has asked for a mobile phone. I couldn’t even present him with any of the many rational reasons I have for saying no, I just burst out laughing in his poor, hopeful face. He says he’s asking Santa for one. I told him to Go Ahead.

Hosting a play date doesn’t sound like a good idea at first.  Someone is going to dump their child at your house and escape while their little darling destroys whatever your child missed.  Who knows what strange and disturbing pastimes this little one has?  Will you find strange snot wiped on the furniture?  Will your child begin to eff and blind like a proverbial sailor?  And what will this child report back to his or her parents about you and your home?  Hosting a play date inspires pure terror for many obvious reasons.

But it does have some benefits, and we’re not talking about your child’s social life.

• Your child will never realize how wonderful his own toys are until a peer covets them.  Sick of your kid ignoring the grossly overpriced action figure you caved and bought?  Hand it to the visiting child.  Voila!  Now it is the best toy ever and your child cannot bear to be parted from it.  This is also a prime opportunity for your child to play those tedious or disgusting board games that have somehow crept into your home.  (Seriously, when did they start making board games about dogs pooping and pigs exploding?  Why do people who hate civilization so much make children’s games?  Why do they hate parents?  Is anyone with a child suffering a lack of exposure to poop?  As soon as they are out of nappies, they start with the toilet humour.  Give us a break!)

• Need some motivation to get the house cleaned?  The fear of your child’s friend’s mom recoiling in horror at that bit of pasta that never did fall off the ceiling or mistaking one of the larger dust bunnies for a dog is sure to get you revved up.  Yeah, the house will be wrecked again in an hour, but that’s fresh filth.  It’s much better than old filth.  You might even be able to motivate your child to help.  Ha ha ha ha, not really.  But you might be able to let your child play with the hoover in another room while you clean in peace.

• Your child’s annoying behaviours will seem so much less annoying than the visiting child’s.  Annoyed about your son’s poor aim in the toilet?  Just wait until he has a friend over and the friend tries (and fails) to use the cat’s litter box.  (True story.)  If you’ve been wondering if your child’s behaviour is odd enough to merit professional investigation, seeing their friends lick the walls or deliberately poke themselves in the eye will reassure you.  It’s normal for children to be weird.  Very, very weird.

• The children will be so occupied with ensuring that they have the exact same number of biscuits and the exact same amount of juice that you can dig into the remaining play date snacks with abandon.  They won’t notice!  Bonus, you can post to Facebook that they were playing maths games.  Counting biscuits IS a maths game.  For extra fun, serve their biscuits in separate dishes and tell them you *think* you gave them each the same number of biscuits, but you aren’t 100% sure.

• You know all those snacks that your child demanded in the shop but then decided she didn’t like?  Yep, it’s time to serve those.  In fact, you should arrange a playdate whenever your child decides a snack she absolutely had to have is yucky.  Clear out those cupboards and the visiting children will think you are a rock star for showering them with so many goodies.  And when your child sees other children eating those treats, they might just decide they weren’t so yucky after all.  (But no, don’t be fooled into buying them again.)

• Someone is now obliged to host your child for a play date, which means hours of freedom for you!  Let’s face it.  This is the real reason to host a play date where you allow the other parent to escape.  You are investing in your own short-term parenting karma.  This is the price you must pay to get to sneak out to a film matinee or okay, let’s get real, take a nap.

The first time another parent drops their darling off at your house and leaves, it might feel terrifying.  But don’t worry.  Soon your fear for the visiting child’s well-being will be replaced by a fear of the visiting child.  That too is temporary.  Once the children have inhaled the contents of your kitchen and settle down to play, you might even get several consecutive minutes of relative quiet.  (Absolute quiet is terrifying, by the way.  Check on that immediately before there is structural damage to your home.)  Keep your eyes on the prize: this other parent now owes you.